The disappearance of Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 has proven to be an absolute mystery with more questions than answers. The Boeing 777 plane, which was carrying 227 passengers and 12 crew members, departed Kuala Lumpur International Airport at 00:41 local time on March 8. Its transponder’s signal was lost to air traffic control at 1:22 local time while still over the sea in the Gulf of Thailand; barely 40 minutes into its flight to Beijing, China. If there was one thing which was immediately clear, it was that Flight 370 had gone through a catastrophic event at 1:22 when its transponder stopped signalling. You see, this device which emits identifying signals has several fail-safes in place and it would be nearly impossible for a plane’s transponder to suddenly die save for a plane crash, or a deliberate deactivation from someone on board. They say that it is nearly impossible for anyone to survive a plane crash into the water. But it is those moments in between the uneventful flight and the crash that are so chilling to think about. One instant, you are travelling safely inside the plane, seated with your feet firmly planted on the plane’s floor, and the next, you are heading downwards fast. Here, as you agonisingly face your final thoughts, you await death in the complete and utter darkness of the cold ocean. What goes through your mind? Do you feel sorrow that your loved ones will have to live through the rest of their lives bearing your loss? Do you wonder if your family will get a chance to bury you? Do you hope that those who depend on you will be able to survive without you? I suppose it is this lack of closure that frightens me the most about dying in a plane crash. Hearing the mournful cries from the grieving relatives of the missing passengers at the Malaysia Airlines press conferences has been heart-breaking. I also feel sorry for Malaysia Airlines, who under pressure from the Chinese government, are in an impossible situation. However, new facts have come to light which provide the slightest glimmer of hope that the plane may be found soon. That being said, some of these new facts add to the confusion, and deepen the mystery of MH370. Here are nine things you should know: 1) Search teams were looking in the wrong place for five days The latest news from CNN comes from a senior source in the Malaysian Air Force, who speaking under anonymity, says that the plane was tracked through secondary radar to a tiny island in the Strait of Malacca. As you can see from this map available on CNN’s website, the Strait of Malacca is a narrow stretch of water between Indonesia and Malaysia. It seems evident that Flight MH370 travelled on course until it was near Vietnamese airspace, where its transponder stopped working and the plane turned around. Curiously, the aircraft didn’t head back to the Malaysian airport from which it took flight. Of course, the mistake that everyone made was to assume that the plane had crashed at the point where its transponder stopped signalling. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Source: CNN[/caption] 2) Nothing from MH370 found so far Although it has been several days since the exhaustive multinational search began, not one piece of the plane has been found on the ocean. This is highly unusual, especially if the plane disintegrated in the air, as the debris from such an event would have been found floating. The debris and the oil slick that was discovered in the Gulf of Thailand did not come from MH370. Of course, the search efforts were concentrated in the area where the flight’s transponder went offline, and we now know that the last known location of the Malaysian airliner was very far from these coordinates. This would also explain why a signal from the so called black box, which records flight data and conversations within the cockpit, has not been detected. As many of you may know, the black box releases location signals for 30 days even after falling into the ocean. 3) Electrical failure is a distinct possibility This is my favourite theory as to why the transponder suddenly stopped working. Experts say that in the event of an electrical failure on the Boeing, the primary communication systems stop responding. They also say that in case of such a failure, the plane does have enough backup power for the pilot to fly for another hour or so. After MH370’s transponder went offline, its last detection by radar was, eerily enough, an hour after. This plays into the theory that MH370 was surviving on backup power. 4) The electrical failure theory answers other questions Why did MH370 not make an emergency landing in Vietnam? Well, without their communication systems, they would have been unable to inform Vietnam traffic control that they were entering their airspace, and as a result would have painted themselves as an enemy aircraft. Facing such a catastrophic situation, it is likely that the well-regarded senior pilot of MH370 decided to return to familiar territory. 5) The pilots of MH370 are being investigated for psychological issues The other theory is that the pilots of the plane simply turned off the transponder, which is a simple task, and took the plane’s passengers to the bottom of the ocean with murderous intent. The Guardian reports that MH370’s 27-year-old first officer, Fariq Abdul Hamid, in 2011 invited two young South African girls into the cabin for the entirety of the flight, where the young pilot flirted with them and behaved against regulations. Jonti Roos, one of the passengers invited into the cabin, says the encounter was quite ‘sleazy’,

“At one stage, they were pretty much turned around the whole time in their seats talking to us. They were so engaged in conversation that he (Hamid) took my friend’s hand, and he was looking at her palm and said, ‘Your hand is very creased, that means you’re a very creative person’, and commented on her nail polish.”

“What is this? What is this? Did you shut the engines?”

On April 1, 2014, Pakistan produced one of the most embarrassing performances in recent memory, breaking like glass under pressure. At the beginning of the 17^th over, the West Indies seemed like they were out of the game, having scored only 107 runs. Then, courtesy of Sammy and Bravo, came an assault which made the Red Wedding in R R Martin’s A Storm of Shadows seem like a friendly tea party. 45 runs came off the last three overs in this knockout game. It was an assault which reminded me of Ajay Jadeja’s battering of Waqar Younis in the 1996 World Cup quarterfinal, where the Pakistani fast bowler, who although was at the top of his game, was mercilessly gutted without warning by the Indian batsman, eventually allowing India to set a huge target. Sadly, this was far worse. In that particular game, when Saeed Anwar and Amir Sohail came out to bat, they smashed the Indian bowlers for 10 overs, and it seemed for a moment that Pakistan would win comfortably. But here, we were never in the game after the Sammy and Bravo show. It was as if the Pakistani batsmen were suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. Of course, the West Indies were brilliant, and thoroughly deserved the game, but the defeat was made worse because Pakistan batted like a team of patients. Not a few days earlier, Pakistan had scored significantly more against Australia, but that was when the boys in green had been batting first without the pressure of a tense chase. As followers of team green will know, this isn’t a new story in the Pakistani cricket soap opera. The episode we saw on April 1^st was plagiarised by the scriptwriters from countless tragic comedies that have been airing since Pakistan started playing cricket. Clearly, our team has the skill to beat anyone, but needs long-term and short-term fixes. Here are five changes that I think need to be made, or history will continue repeating itself. 1) The domestic league needs improvement In the above mentioned quarterfinal from 1996, after Saeed Anwar and Amir Sohail gave Pakistan a fantastic start, Ijaz Ahmed and Inzamamul Haq gave it away with terrible shots under pressure. 20 years later, we continue to produce batsmen who can’t score when it matters. Meanwhile, the person who can, Misbahul Haq, is treated like a man who carries a highly contagious version of the Ebola virus by the public, because he dares to value his wicket when there is chaos around him. There are many reasons our players are even less mentally sound than before, and some of these factors are out of our control. Because of the political situation in Pakistan, our cricketers have less exposure to international cricket. What’s more, while other players are honing their T20 skills in the Indian Premier League (IPL), our cricketer’s are not. I am not blaming anyone here, it is how it is. At one point in history, most of our cricketers were sharpening their swords in county cricket; Majid Khan, Zaheer Abass, Javed Miandad, Imran Khan, Asif Iqbal, Mushtaq Mohammad, to name a few of the greats, cut their teeth in the intensity of domestic cricket overseas. When the great Imran Khan defeated the best test match sides in the world, he did so through the services of players who had been battle hardened in heated Sheffield Shield matches in Australia and first class competitions in England. In Imran Khan’s autobiography, he mentioned that he persevered with wicketkeeper Salim Yousuf not because he was a fine athlete, but because he was a street fighter who could handle the demands of tense matches. Similarly, Sohail made it into Khan’s World Cup 92 squad because he recognised the Lahore batsmen’s mental toughness. Currently, our players are underexposed, and by all accounts, our domestic cricket standards are poor. While we can’t attract top international players to our local matches, surely we can improve standards so that these matches simulate the pressure of real knockout matches. Right now, it is like we are sending our boys straight into real battle after training them on the Xbox. Another way to enhance mental toughness is to hire a sports psychologist, who can certainly help these men conquer their demons. 2) Selectors must be held accountable Why are Shoaib Malik and Kamran Akmal continuously brought back into the team after repeated failings? It seems that there is a cycle where the two are dropped only to make a comeback in the next big ICC tournament, where they fail again. Why are the selectors not explaining this? What’s more perplexing about Kamran’s latest comeback is that in the longer 50 over version of the game, his brother Umar Akmal, a part time keeper, is donning the gloves. If anything, since Umar isn’t a specialist wicketkeeper, isn’t it more logical that he would find it easier to keep wicket in the shorter format? Yet, Umar is asked to keep wicket in 50 overs, but a specialist keeper is brought in for 20 overs cricket. This makes the same amount of sense as hiring someone to carry your bags to the next room, but insisting on carrying them yourself up the mountain. Kamran seems to have made a comeback against the odds so often that I have no doubt that his cricket is just a cover, and that he is some sort of a superspy who blackmails influential people. Let’s look at the facts. During the dodgy Sydney test, Kamran, who after having ruined Danish Kaneria’s career for many years, dropped and missed so many easy chances off of Kaneria that we wondered if Kamran thought his objective was to not catch the ball. Yet later, it was Kaneria who was dropped from the team, and not Kamran! During the World Cup in 2011, Shoaib Akhtar was so frustrated with Kamran dropping his catches that he reportedly had a heated encounter with the nam ka keeper after the match against New Zealand. But even though Akhtar was bowling well, and it was Kamran at fault, it was the Rawalpindi Express who was discarded! In fact, Akhtar never played international cricket again, while Kamran continued to make comebacks! What is going on here? Is Kamran some sort of a bad luck wizard? Is he Mr Bean with gloves? Why are the victims of Kamran’s mediocrity suffering, and not him? How can we convince the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) that Kamran is bad news? DNA evidence? Four witnesses? 3) Talent needs to be recognised and respected Hugely talented players such as Mohammad Irfan and Akhtar have spoken about not getting financial support in their early cricketing years. Cricketers have said that they were sleeping outside the stadium because they didn’t have accommodation. Meanwhile, the PCB is said to have housing resources. Why isn’t it offering these resources to such individuals? In Akhtar’s autobiography, he spoke about senior cricketers sabotaging his prime cricketing years because of jealousy. He also revealed that the cricket dressing room’s atmosphere was ugly, full of envious players who resorted to Xanax in order to deal with pressure. Let’s also look at Saeed Ajmal, who is our best bowler and the best Pakistani spinner since Abdul Qadir. Ajmal debuted for Pakistan close to his mid-30s, which for many sportsmen is the retirement age. Why was a talented cricketer like Ajmal not serving Pakistan since his 20s? Zulfiqar Babar, at 35, is another excellent bowler who has come on to the scene at least 10 years later than he should have. Of course, Fawad Alam, who had an excellent international record, was dropped because of a well-documented bias from a Pakistani selector. When he finally returned, he played two excellent knocks.  Alam was fortunate that public pressure and countless top domestic performances eventually returned him to the team, but how many other cricketers like Ajmal and Babar will be forced to make their debuts when they are near retirement age, while individuals such as Kamran and Shoaib Malik make regular comebacks? We also need to be patient with younger talent. Players like Bilawal Bhatti and Anwar Ali have the potential to be fine cricketers and should stay with the team in order to develop. One of our greatest all-rounders, Abdul Razzak, did not start off as a flashy batsman, and took years to develop into the dangerous hitter. 4) We need a fresh captain Pakistani cricket fans have a problem; when Afridi performs poorly, they demand he be tied around a stick and barbequed over an open fire, but when he performs well, they worship him like a gift from the heavens. Afridi is my favourite cricketer in the team even when he is inconsistent, and I believe he should always be in the squad because of his strong positive energy. That being said, his limitations must be accepted. Currently, after hot performances against Bangladesh and India, Pakistanis have been struck by Lala fever, and believe that he should be the next T20 captain. This would be a terrible mistake. First of all, as captain, Afridi has proven himself to be a poor tactician on numerous occasions. And in sharp contrast with his aggressive cricketing nature, Afridi is a dangerously defensive leader. What’s more, it is an open secret that Afridi is about as sharp as a butter knife. Who can forget his brainless behaviour when he was caught dancing on a pitch in order to rough it up for the bowlers in a match we were winning? Not that I condone cheating, but how smart is it to cheat in a match where you are close to victory? This is not WWE wrestling! Then, there was the humiliating ball chewing incident. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want a captain who likes biting balls in public. Some fetishes should be kept private. [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xc2bm7_shahid-afridi-biting-the-ball-think_sport[/embed] Also, keep in mind that Afridi is officially 34 (though he is said to be much older), and is hence only a short term option. With the next World T20 two years away, we don’t need a stopgap solution since T20 cricket doesn’t feature major ICC tournaments in the short term. A younger cricketer should be groomed as the next T20 captain, and should be identified and stuck with through thick and thin. Eventually, the next Pakistani T20 captain can take over the Test match and ODI captaincy from Misbahul Haq when he retires. Umar could be the man for the job, although he will certainly need to stop acting like Kamran’s conjoined twin. Perhaps as skipper, Umar will also bat more responsibly. Another alternative is Alam, who is not only a dependable batsman, but from his interviews, seems like a smart thinker. 5) Our batting line-up needs serious adjustment Teams like India boast a line-up of specialist batsmen, whereas Pakistan is expected to score through makeshift batsmen and all-rounders. Actual batsmen such as Sohaib Maqsood and Umar are sent after the team is in dire straits, while part-time batsmen such as Hafeez, Kamran and Sohaib are sent up the order. If these three individuals boast the batting averages of lower order batsmen, then how is the team expected to score well? We should emulate India by using specialist batsmen at the top of the order as we did in the 90s. Maqsood began his career well against South Africa at number three, but then was infuriatingly forced down the order after a few failures. Pakistan should learn from South Africa in this regard. Jacques Kallis was quite subpar at the top of the order, yet South Africa persisted, and eventually Kallis turned into a legend. Similarly, Hashim Amla also struggled at number three but the selectors kept faith in him and today he is one of the best batsmen in the world. Maqsood has shown potential as an excellent number three player against the best fast bowlers in the world. He should be sent at one down with full support from the coach and management for at least two dozen matches. As wicketkeeper batsmen, Umar should be kept at number four followed by Alam and Misbah. Our dependable captain doesn’t have the stamina to score more than 50 in ODIs, and should be fine at number six. Hafeez is our best all-rounder, but shouldn’t come before number seven. The World Cup in Australia is around the corner, where the higher bounce will test our cricketers’ technique. It is no place for part-timers. Here is my line-up for Australia, which I bet would do well. 1) Ahmed Shehzad 2) Big Nas/Khurram Manzoor/Sharjeel Khan 3) Sohaib Maqsood 4) Umar Akmal (wicketkeeper) 5) Fawad Alam (vice-captain) 6) Misbahul Haq (captain) 7) Hafeez/Shahid Afridi 8) Bilawal Bhatti/Anwar Ali 9) Saeed Ajmal 10) Mohammad Irfan 11) Junaid Khan

As an expatriate boy growing up in Saudi Arabia, I dreaded attending my school’s mandatory afternoon prayer session. At the end of every long day in Manarat Al-Sharkia, all the Muslim students and teachers gathered before the final two classes to offer Zuhr (noon) prayers in the school’s stinking gym that carried a rancid air powerful enough to rival Hitler’s infamous gas chamber. By prayer time, the gym’s floor had already been saturated by the sweet-smelling sweaty socks of hundreds of young perspiring boys. Thankfully, the school management realised that the gym’s surface was probably host to a number of diseases that would confound scientists everywhere and hence, covered it with enormous prayer mats made of plastic straws. Unfortunately, these prayer mats hadn’t been washed since the 1969 moon landing and after being walked over on a daily basis by stinking feet, they were hardly ideal for facial contact. In fact, they smelled so foul that whenever my face came into contact with them during sajdah (prostration), I was convinced my nose would decay away, leaving me looking like Skeletor. Every student was aggressively encouraged to perform wudu (ablution) before performing prayers. Try to imagine this scenario – countless sweaty boys crowded in washrooms which were damp with sweat mixed with water. Since most of these students didn’t want their friends to die of biological agents (this was during the Gulf War and we were waiting for Saddam to do that), they avoided taking their socks off during wudu and instead, simply passed their wet hands over them. What’s more, some of them chose to walk on the wet restroom floors without their shoes. Of course, this only made matters worse. Once the mass wudu had been performed, we all gathered in the teeming gym so that the whole building smelled like Martha Stewart’s worst nightmare. Of course, there were some students who tried to hide under desks in classrooms or on the roof but they were invariably found and dragged by their ears quite unceremoniously to the gym by bald, overweight teachers with thick, bushy hair on their arms. I remember this clearly because as I was being pulled away from my hiding spot one time, I made a mental note of how my math teacher probably wished his rich body hair was on his smooth, bald head instead. I also remember that although I was barely in my teens, I wondered why our prayer room smelt so disgustingly putrid when in Islamic Studies classes we were taught that Muslims must be an example of good hygiene, wear clean clothes and be in a spotless environment during prayer. Of course, our school management was too busy force feeding religion to us to consider the contradiction of their ways. Unfortunately, this experience at Manarat Al-Sharkia – which ran from my childhood into my late teens – was but one of the many contradictory behaviours in the Muslim world that I see even today. I find it odd how Muslim men break multiple rules of their own faith, and yet, maintain a ‘holier than thou’ attitude simply because they pray regularly. I also find it perplexing when an obese Pakistani scholar with curry stains on his clothes preaches religion so heatedly on TV, while clearly ignoring the fact that Islam encourages good hygiene and discourages eating and drinking excessively. Why does religion for these men begin and end with the tenets that are the easiest to follow? It is then not very surprising that a recent report about at least a thousand minority girls forced into marriage with Muslim men in Pakistan has flown under the radar of the public eye. These Christian and Hindu girls were abducted and then left with no choice but to convert to Islam. Not only were these young girls– some as young as 12 – mentally abused, they faced sexual abuse as well. Considering that these young women are now Muslim by name since they did not convert willingly, it seems that there were darker motivations in forcing them to give up their faith. Do these abusive men believe that by forcing their victims to become Muslim they are justified in their actions? It is disturbing on so many levels, especially, since this behaviour contradicts the teachings of the very religion these men are converting their victims to. I also find it strange that so many Muslims in Pakistan feel that other religions are inferior when they are probably Muslims only because they were born in a Muslim household. If these men were born in Christian families, wouldn’t they call themselves Christian as effortlessly as they call themselves Muslim today? And then comes the all too familiar matter of the Council of Islamic Ideology’s (CII) recommendation that the minimum age for marriage be modified in Pakistan so that minors can lawfully have nikkahs. Why is the CII always making headlines for rulings that could be manipulated by those with evil intentions? There are so many social issues in Pakistan that the CII could actually help resolve in a positive manner such as bonded labour, poverty, extortion and unemployment. And yet, the moral police of the council is more concerned with allowing men to marry younger girls, and that too without the permission of their first wives. Are these really the most pressing issues the CII can aid Pakistan in? But as much as we blame the CII, perhaps, what is even worse is our apathy. The case of forced minority marriages reminds me of Heath Ledger’s Joker meme that has been floating around on the internet. In our own country, thousands of minorities are being forced to convert to another religion while no one bats an eye; yet, if a few hundred Muslims had been forcibly converted to Christianity in the West we would have been losing our minds. Sadly, far too many Muslims have little appreciation for the finer points of their own religion and try to force their ways on others without giving it due thought. I am sure that had my high school simply created a peaceful and hygienic prayer environment, most students would have entered the prayer room quite happily and willingly. Similarly, by forcing religious minorities to convert to Islam, these men aren’t creating good Muslims – they are giving rise to unhappy Pakistanis instead.

I was barely six-years-old when Diego Maradona’s individual brilliance almost singlehandedly won the World Cup for Argentina in Mexico. For a boy watching the event with his sports crazy family, the event was electric, with the iconic images of Maradona dancing through the opposition, and eventually lifting the trophy, forever imprinted in my brain. Equally iconic were the images of Maradona crying four years later, after his side was cruelly penalised by the referee in the final against West Germany. Even later, when Maradona shed tears after struggling with substance abuse, I shared his pain, and supported my hero, ignoring the fact that he had begun to look less like a footballer, and more like Pablo Escobar. Soon, Boca Juniors became my favourite football club in South America. Meanwhile, any European side which featured Argentine talent was instantly my team. Naturally, Inter Milan, with legendary players such as Hernan Crespo, Walter Samuel, Javier Zanetti, and the likes, became the club I favoured the most. In a recent conversation I had with some Pakistani supporters of Argentina, I realised that although their passion too began with Maradona, their empathy with Argentinian football grew since then, because, they, as Pakistanis, identified with the mercurial nature of Argentinian footballers. I would go as far as to say that had Pakistani sportsmen chosen football instead of cricket, our team would have over the years performed quite similar to Argentina. Here are four ways where supporting the Argentinian football team is similar to supporting Pakistan’s cricket side: 1. Argentina will win the football World Cup in 2014 much like Pakistan won the cricket World Cup in 1992: Yes, I know, it is a giant Pakistani cliché to liken any sporting struggle with the ’92 World Cup. Back then, Imran Khan and Javed Miandad led Pakistan to glory in Australia after a disastrous start where the team was almost eliminated from the competition on numerous occasions. But where Pakistan began the tournament as a group of individuals, eventually, thanks to the charismatic brilliance of Imran Khan, as well as a boatload of luck, they gelled at the right time and lifted the trophy. Here, much like Pakistan in 1992, Argentina features a side that could have easily been outclassed by its previous World Cup squads. Missing footballers of the stature of Ayala, Zanetti, Batistuta, Crespo, and Riquelme, this Argentinian squad isn’t as impressive as it was in previous iterations of the tournament. What’s more, they’ve certainly had some luck so far in the group games, both in terms of the matches and the World Cup draw. But while their opposition, thus far, has been relatively weak, Argentina even struggled to beat Switzerland in their first knock out match, which had recently been annihilated by France. This somewhat easier road to the semi-finals continues for Argentina. They must now face Belgium in the quarterfinals, a team that is ranked by FIFA at 11 in the world ratings. Of course, like Pakistan in 1992, Argentina needs to start peaking soon. The in-form Belgium won’t be an easy opposition, while their expected semi-final opponents, Netherlands, are playing excellent football. And to peak, of course, Argentina must start functioning as a team, show more creativity in front of goals, nullify counter-attacks and improve defence overall. 2. Argentina panics like the boys in green: If there is one lesson Pakistanis learnt from the Pakistan Muslim League- Nawaz’s strange overreaction to Tahirul Qadri’s arrival at the Lahore airport, it is that Pakistanis are the masters of hitting the panic button. Watching the traditionally solid Argentine defence run away from the ball as if it were a hot rolling piece of molten lava, reminded me of the numerous occasions where the Pakistani cricket team went into self-destruction mode in a cricket match. 3. Messi and Misbah: Lionel Messi and Misbahul Haq contrast tremendously in terms of natural talent, but the two certainly have one thing in common: they have been treated rather poorly by their respective nations. Although Messi has finally been accepted by Argentinian fans as one of their own, would you believe that as of a few years ago, he had little support in his own country? Amongst other issues, many Argentinians found his lack of flamboyance to no be Argentinian enough, preferring a more expressive player like Carlos Tevez to replace him. Personally, I love Tevez, but considering that others can’t function with him in the side, his removal from the squad was a necessary decision. Similarly, it seems that Pakistanis are always on the lookout to replace our smart, steady, and responsible captain, Misbah, with the unpredictable Shahid Afridi. Now, as with Tevez, I enjoy Afridi’s brand of explosive play, but forcing him into Misbah’s leadership position simply because he is more ‘fun’ would make less sense than asking the PML-N leadership to make important decisions five minutes before iftar time. Though I suppose we have to be thankful that Shahid Afridi isn’t a footballer, he would have made Suarez seem like a teething toddler by comparison,

“Yaar, yeh football cricket ball say zada naram aur mazay dar hay.”

“If Argentina win the World Cup in Brazil, I advise them to have a helicopter nearby because they’re going to get killed!”

It was the morning of May 11, 2013, Election Day. A day when majority of Pakistanis, having been fed a steady diet of political advertising where the various parties had promised them the world, woke up with a feeling that they had a hand in their nation’s future. That morning, my plan was simple. The day would start with a thirty minute drive to my voting area near Karachi’s National Stadium, where the booth was scheduled to open in the morning. Here, I would quickly cast my vote, and be back in time for a delicious brunch. Looking back now, I realise that perhaps I was naïve in believing that anything in Pakistan could be that simple. When I arrived thirty minutes early, a small crowd had already gathered. To my surprise, a political party had set up their booth right outside the entry point. This popular Karachi based party, let’s call them The Voldemort Movement were aggressively pushing their party memorabilia on to voters and asking some personal questions. Ignoring them, everyone waited until it was officially time to vote. Yet the officials did not show. Many frustrating hours later, where some of the senior citizens went back home without voting, the process finally began, and we finally cast our votes, a full three hours after the process was actually supposed to have begun. When I finally returned home to my family in the Defence Housing Authority (DHA) area, I learnt that while some had cast their votes, many were still outside waiting in the heat in their respective DHA voting localities. With some family at my side, I bought as many refreshments from the store as I could, and decided to go distribute them to the hungry and thirsty strangers waiting in line all across DHA. Some of the scenes in the various phases of DHA were incredible. These areas, which were considered to be strongholds of the new political party promising change and reform, Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI), were jam packed with massive crowds of people waiting in the heat to exercise their right. Although the people tried to keep their spirits high by waving PTI flags and chanting PTI anthems, the frustration was clearly written on everyone’s sweaty faces. Soon, rumours of The Voldemort Movement workers harassing PTI voters in areas hours away from DHA began to circulate through social media. Meanwhile, we learnt that the voting booths in the PTI strongholds had simply not been opened because of death threats delivered to the respective officials the morning of the elections. I can only speculate who had to gain from these threats. Interestingly enough, The Voldemort Movement actually made the mistake of sending its goons to some of the DHA areas to harass PTI voters. While these tricks worked for the Voldemort boys in localities where their Death Eaters carried stronger numbers, in DHA they faced resistance. To be more specific, in DHA Phase 7, where a relative of mine had stood for over 12 hours to cast his vote, at least two Voldemort’s goons were caught and beaten after threatening PTI supporters. Several men and women in the area, who witnessed this, recorded the event on their cell-phones. Unfortunately, while some eventually got to cast their votes after having waited all day long, many did not. What’s more, some were shocked to learn days later that their votes had been nullified, and the long queues had been for nothing. It was only days later that the true extent of the widespread rigging began to become apparent to Pakistanis, as various videos of electoral fraud spread throughout the internet. In Karachi alone, I heard countless stories from everyday people such as maids, mechanics, drivers, gasoline workers, and shopkeepers, of the wide scale fraud which took place in the port city. Just yesterday, another taxi driver told me of how, on Election Day, he had witnessed boys in the Nazimabad area simply standing there and stamping ballots. When investigating election fraud, it is more important to speak to the lower class people, because their votes are more easily preyed upon, and they belong to localities where the officials have little protection against threats. Perhaps the most interesting story came from a car electrician, who happens to live in Voldemort’s stronghold in Karachi, and is a strong supporter. He himself told me that his friends were complicit in the activity. Another account is of a group of students from several local colleges, who claim that they weren’t allowed to vote for any party other than The Voldemort Movement. What’s more, the election officials standing there were obviously aware of what was happening. This sad hijacking of the election process should be offensive to voters of all parties, including genuine voters of The Voldemort Movement. On a recent trip to Punjab, I was surprised to learn that if anything, the rigging was far more rampant in the heart of the country. Here, while visiting a local factory, I talked to hundreds of labourers during lunch hour, who gave first-hand accounts of rigging in their respective areas. It is simply mind-boggling that there are so many eye witness accounts to election fraud. Imran Khan argues that the current government came into power through widespread rigging, is hence illegitimate, and must be destabilised at all costs because it won’t allow a fair investigation. There is nothing wrong with this logic. If a judge robbed me, would I want the case to be tried by that very judge, or someone impartial? Imran’s recent movement has been controversial to say the least, but his detractors on social media seem to attack the man on all fronts while ignoring the subject of electoral rigging. Certainly, Imran has provided those who dislike him with plenty of ammo through his strangely soft stance on the Tehreek-e-Taliban Pakistan (TTP), inconsistent decisions, and an obvious inability to manage members of his own party. There is a reason why we, of better means, are happy to discuss every aspect of Imran Khan except for his fight against election rigging. The fact is that if we allow ourselves to believe that Imran is right and that the current government rose through fraud, then we must admit that he is correct in his need to destabilise the Pakistan Muslim League-Nawaz (PML-N) government until Nawaz Sharif steps down. Of course, this would lead to schools being shutdown, a worsening rupee and an overall worse quality of life in the short run. Naturally, all of this is very inconvenient, so we would rather go the way of the ostrich and bury our heads in the sand. The message from many of us to the political forces seems to be that rigging isn’t acceptable, unless it is inconvenient for us to make an effort towards real change. In that case, please go ahead; bend the elections, as long as we can carry along with our sheeple ways. Perhaps the reason Imran attracts so many from the lower class is because they have little to lose. Recently, on a day where Imran’s revolution in Islamabad had been exceptionally controversial, Twitter was full of comments from PTI voters, like myself, who bemoaned the fact that they had stood all day in Karachi to vote for the party, only to have Imran Khan fracture the country as he is doing now. In hindsight, such comments seem a little silly, because our long wait to vote on May 11 was not Imran Khan’s fault but due to the attempted doctoring of Election Day. And currently, Imran Khan’s goal is to take a stand against election rigging. This would be like saying,

“I battled this illness all day on May 11 to vote for you, and you are now destabilising the government to battle this illness because it won’t go away? How dare you?”

Perhaps the most impressive thing about O21 is that it was made at all. Aside from the fact that this bi-lingual Pakistani film boasts a talented cast of both Pakistani and foreign actors, and is helmed by filmmaker Jamshed Mahmood Raza, aka Jami – who here has directed his first feature length film – O21 also takes a risk by featuring a narrative that avoids all the cliché-ridden trappings of a Pakistani film. A bigger risk, however, is the pacing of the film, which at times is so slow that it makes the deliberately paced cinematic Steven Kubrick classic 2001: A Space Odyssey seem like Usain Bolt running on angel dust by comparison. [embed width="620"]http://vimeo.com/96420127[/embed] I have been dismayed by the many published Pakistani film reviews terming O21 as an ‘intelligent’ film simply because it takes its time. Certainly, there seems to be some confusion where reviewers are apparently identifying slowness as a sign of smartness. In fact, it has been amusing to note that plenty of O21 fans have been dumb-shamed into liking the film. Anyone who doesn’t like the film is told that they aren’t grasping the finer points of O21’s filmmaking and can’t appreciate how captivatingly it moves, as if it were some beautifully slow ballerina rather than a limping horse that should have been shot after the first act. Wonderfully engrossing films that reward patience such as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Solaris, The Godfather, Zodiac, Lawrence of Arabia and the likes, aren’t cinematic masterpieces simply because they are slow. If sluggish pacing had been the only benchmark, then any filmmaker could capture paint drying and win the hearts of critics and fans alike. No, there has to be some method to the madness. For example, the long iconic scene in Lawrence of Arabia where we scan the dry landscape for a sign of life until we finally see a dot in the distance, which slowly but surely reveals itself to be a man approaching on a camel, is a piece of filmmaking where every second was used effectively. That’s not to say that O21 fails to use any of its relaxed speed without effect. For my money, the first half of the film is as gripping as any film I’ve seen. It certainly takes a lot of talent to evoke tension without resorting to gratuitous violence, and in various ways I was reminded of Steven Soderbergh’s Traffic as well as Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, with what certainly was edge-of-the-seat stuff. I also enjoyed the time gimmick that may have been inspired by the TV show, 24. Clearly, Jami is one of the most talented filmmakers in the nation. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="397"] Jamshed Mahmood Raza. Photo: Operation O21 Facebook Page[/caption] But like a roller-coaster that keeps climbing without a payoff, O21 fails to bring its foreplay to a satisfying conclusion. Eventually, O21 begins to resemble a South Park episode parodying the spy genre. When the climax does come, it is desperately disappointing. Here, the house of Kashif Siddiqui (Shaan Shahid) is attacked in an action sequence which is atrociously edited. It is quite evident from O21 and Waar that Pakistani filmmakers are competent at shooting drama, but lack any skill whatsoever at directing action sequences. Sadly, the over produced action sequences in O21 are comically bad, where the characters are magically teleporting between shots from one corner to another. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Operation O21 Facebook Page[/caption] The poor and rather unintelligent second half of the film also weighs down the fairly interesting narrative. O21’s examination of the spy network between Pakistan and Afghanistan is quite absorbing, where most of the players are motivated by personal objectives rather than nationalism. The characterisation of Pakistani spy Kashif is a mixed bag however. On one hand I enjoyed how Kashif wasn’t presented as a squeaky clean military man, but on the other was disappointed that Shaan – for the umpteenth time – was playing a character weighed down by the guilt of a dead wife. This is just a lazy piece of writing designed to evoke empathy. Ladies, he may look good in a suit, but that’s too many dead spouses. O21 suffers from other flaws as well. The cinematography is quite dull, and the grainy muddy camerawork does little justice to what should have been gorgeous backdrops. On the other hand, the performances, though at times uneven, are generally quite good, especially from veteran actor Ayub Khoso (Abdullah). [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Ayub Khoso. Photo: Operation O21 Facebook Page[/caption] Despite the glaring imperfections, O21 is an important instalment in Pakistan’s woeful cinematic history. It might not be a smart entry on the silver screen but it certainly raises the average intelligence level of Pakistani films by several notches, and is hopefully paving the road for great films.

My fellow Pakistanis, there is a cricket match scheduled for today. Yes, you read that right. At 4pm, Pakistan time, our nation will take on New Zealand in the fourth cricket ODI in Abu Dhabi. Needless to say, that such an event is taking place a day after one of the blackest days in Pakistan’s history, just doesn’t feel right. If anything, sport is a celebration – a celebration of athleticism where human beings compete in an arena of onlookers to determine who has more skill. We watch them simply because we can’t do what they can do. They can hit harder, bowl faster, and run harder than the rest of us. As children, some of us dreamt to be them, but as our dreams faded with the reality brought on by age, we instead cheer on those of us who managed to live out that dream. Yesterday, over a hundred young boys were brutally murdered in Peshawar. Surely, many of these boys carried the same dreams of perhaps walking out in Pakistan’s national colours one day to soak in the adulation of millions and better another nation’s men in a contest. Surely, a number of these boys wanted to emulate cricketers such as Shahid Afridi and Younus Khan. It pains me to consider that the only national colours these boys will be wearing now are the colours of the flags draped on their coffins. But I digress. These 11 men who shall take the field today are the best out of a country of over 180 million people. Since they stand for the dreams of so many of us and they represent our nation, in a manner, they are an extension of us. And for us, there is no honour in taking the field today. You can tell that the cricketers themselves are not in the right frame of mind to compete. Statements from Moin Khan, Younus, and Afridi published in the media leave little room for doubt that the team is hurting. NDTV reports that while speaking to Geo Super, Younus said,

“It is a national tragedy and a barbaric act. Playing the match is going to be very difficult. How do you play a match when your spirit is not in the game? That is our state of mind right now. When Phillip Hughes died, it shocked every one of us and we postponed a day’s play in the Test match against New Zealand. It would not be a bad idea to postpone this game as well.”

It was September 22^nd of last year; one of the blackest days in the history of Pakistan. It was a day when the Taliban targeted a church in Peshawar with a pair of suicide bombers who ripped through a congregation 500 strong. The savage destruction that followed resulted in the death of over 78 Pakistanis with nearly 150 wounded. It was an act of terror in every sense of the word, and casualties included both women and children. We watched in horror on our television screens as tragic images of injured Pakistani worshipers flooded news channels. At first glance the aftermath resembled a butcher shop, and we could only imagine the agony of the victims and the trauma forever imprinted on the hearts of the loved ones left behind. Finding it difficult to process the nausea, we looked to our leaders to respond in the strongest possible way. We wanted action. Condemnation. Anything. Instead we had to listen to insensitive politicians playing politics. Not three days later, PTI’s Imran Khan, chairperson of the party that governs Peshawar, rubbed salt in the wounds by reiterating his stance that the Taliban be allowed to open an office in Pakistan. Such comments were insensitive at best after such a horrific attack. To make matters worse, he once again failed to unequivocally condemn the killers who were openly taking credit for the attack, and disturbingly enough, provided an indirect defence for their actions. Khan’s dangerously flawed argument was that we were hitting the militants too hard for them to be convinced into surrendering their arms. But as last week’s barbaric school attack in Peshawar has shown, apparently we hadn’t been hitting them hard enough. If anything, PTI’s pro ‘good Taliban’ stance has always remained consistent, yet curiously enough, PTI has taken a significantly harder stance on the TTP since the school attack in Peshawar. In what is a definite change of pace, members of PTI and Khan himself have expressed strong condemnations on TV and social media. What’s more, they have been more in favour of retaliation than ever before. This isn’t the first time TTP have slaughtered countless civilians, yet it is the first time PTI has hinted at taking the gloves off. Perhaps the difference is that the victims here are Muslims and not a minority group like the Christian community or the Ahmadis. Or perhaps the minimisation of drone attacks has meant that PTI has lost an important tool in its propaganda machine. Another reason could be the Pakistan Army’s successful Zarb-e-Azb operation; the militants aren’t as threatening as they have been. While there can be no doubt of Khan’s bravery, considering his open presence during street movements (he boldly took to the streets when former president, General Pervez Musharraf, was at the height of his brutality), PTI cannot function without the feeling of safety; had the Taliban been openly targeting PTI, supporters would be unable to join the protests so freely to strengthen PTI’s important street power. Khan may have also realised that he has ridden the wave of religious sentiment as far as he can, and is now better off concentrating on his new hook – the election rigging issue. Khan has been struggling on the political scene for eons and failed to make a dent until recently. Many Pakistanis were tired of the familiar political parties taking turns at sucking the nation dry and were desperate for someone to sell them change. In our desperation, we turned to a man who won us the World Cup and is a proven philanthropist with immense reserves of resolve. But our need for a clean political party wasn’t enough to win PTI enough votes. Imran Khan needed something else to galvanise the masses. Here is the truth about many from our nation. A truth that is on the surface for some and lies deep for others, only waiting for a crisis to rise; we like to blame others for our predicament, especially on the subject of terrorism. After the Peshawar school attack, social media memes went viral where angry letters were written to Barack Obama, David Cameron, and even CNN, blaming the West for the creation of the Taliban. For some reason, we tend to trust bad ‘so-called Muslims’ than any non-Muslim. After the Peshawar school attack, our neighbours in India displayed moving solidarity, taking the losses to heart as if they were their own. Meanwhile, across Europe and USA, candlelight vigils were held in remembrance of the school children killed. On the other hand, our own so called Muslim brothers in the Middle East have been largely quiet on the issue. Yes, whenever there are acts of terrorism in the nation some of us like blaming India and the United States, yet we never blame the wealthy Middle Easterners who have influenced the radicalisation of madrassas. Nothing is more contradictory than the abuse Nobel Prize winner Malala Yousafzai continues to face. Like the Peshawar victims, she was also attacked by the same militants, yet she faces mistrust simply because she was hailed by the Western media. Granted, Pakistan has been used as a chessboard by several Western powers over the years, but our constant mistrust of the West is like a poison that grows in our hearts and blinds us to a more direct threat. Imran took advantage of this sentiment to gain some popularity. It began when he paraded for Dr Afia Siddiqui’s cause, demanding her immediate release. Did it matter to him that reports suggested she had married the nephew of a 9/11 attacker? That her own former husband finally broke his silence to say that she was radicalised, manipulative, and on the path to violence? That she was so closely associated with militants? That she was not even a Pakistani, but a citizen of the United States? It certainly earned Khan some brownie points even if it fuelled Pakistan’s paranoia about the West. But the PTI chairman never had the heart of Quaid-e-Azam even if he openly wishes to emulate him. Clearly, he is inspired by Quaid’s position and not Quaid’s character. At this moment in time, protests against extremism are taking place at Lal Masjid led by independent politician Jibran Nasir, a man with more in common with Quaid-e-Azam than Imran Khan. Khan’s most controversial stance was on the drone attacks – a stance that has seemingly changed, since the drone attacks resumed after the Peshawar tragedy without a word from PTI. The drones proved to be PTI’s golden ticket into the limelight as Imran managed to find the issue to rile up the feelings of victimisation in every Pakistani. On some level we all believe that the West is out to get us, and PTI’s anti-drone drive certainly ignited all the drones sitting at home on their couches and behind their keyboards. While many of his arguments against drone attacks were just, by creating the illusion that militants existed because of the drones, he played a significant role in swaying public opinion in favour of the ‘good Taliban’ and hence against army action. It is this apologist attitude that earned Imran Khan the title of ‘Taliban Khan’. It was a nickname that was used widely across Pakistan’s media, yet it was only Geo Network blamed by the PTI chairperson for creating the name. The accusation was staggering because Khan was obviously ignorant of the actual reason he was being called Taliban Khan and seemed to be in some form of delusion that it was a conspiracy started by media house. Now, I am not someone who enjoys watching Geo. In fact, I’d rather watch paint dry or houseflies procreate than watch Geo News, but I certainly feel for the network’s people. Invariably, Imran fuelled hatred against the network by taking jabs in every speech through a barrage of allegations that weren’t accompanied by evidence. On the other hand, the network’s reporters constantly tweet images of facing violence at the hands of PTI supporters. Khan says he has never asked his supporters to take up violence against the network. While this may be certainly true, it would be naïve of him to assume that his ‘passionate’ supporters wouldn’t be instigated by his fiery words. But for Khan, there never seems to be a fruit that hangs too low. Likewise, Imran Khan certainly had a right to his belief that Ahmadis don’t qualify as Muslims, but perhaps he should have kept that belief to himself rather than further isolating an already marginalised minority. But the statements were never surprising. After all, since he began playing cricket, Imran Khan has always been a crowd pleaser.

Carrying a Facebook page over two million ‘likes’ strong, it would be safe to say that young Pakistani-Canadian comedian Zaid Ali T has moulded himself into an internet sensation. Each update from the young entertainer earns countless shares, likes and comments within seconds of hitting the internet. His audience is primarily South Asians, though his followers originate from many countries. Zaid’s weapons are his disarming smile and jokes that hilariously channel our exasperation with Asian cultural norms. When I first discovered Zaid, I spent hours combing through his Facebook page, chortling at every one of his shenanigans. His strict father, who gave him a hiding when he joked about selling drugs, reminded me of my own. In no time I was sharing Zaid’s work on social media, as well as when friends and family were visiting. My own parents could barely contain their laughter and became instant fans. Perhaps what was most impressive about Zaid was how he was churning out amazing videos every other day, as if he had a factory of wit. It was especially impressive considering that even the best comedians take ages to come up with winning material, while daily humourists such as Jay Leno and Conan O’Brien only produce a few good jokes a day and that too with the help of talented hardworking writers. Writing comedy is tedious work, yet it seemed to be coming more naturally to Zaid. However, when I learned the truth about Zaid, it broke my heart. When I shared the truth with others, they too were heartbroken. Before discovering the truth, perhaps the only thing that had bothered me about Zaid was how he wore his religion on his sleeve, and constantly boasted about his good deeds. For example, he recently shared news of turning down a lucrative acting role in Hollywood because a kissing scene hurt his religious sentiments. In my experience, people who try so hard to convince the world that they are pious are normally hiding deep ugliness inside. It saddens me to say that Zaid’s ugliness is that he is a thief, a thief who steals others’ hard work and ideas, and profits off of them. I’ve spoken to some of the comedians whose content was shamelessly ripped off by Zaid, and they shared their frustration and grief with me. It began with a few videos, but the more entertainers I spoke to, the more I realised that Zaid had stolen a significant portion of his life’s content. It first came to my attention when I noticed a comment under one of Zaid’s videos pointing out the plagiarism. The similarities between video Zaid’s skit and the skit he had copied from were startling. Shamelessly, he copies word to word. Here is a video of Zaid’s satire of South Asian brides: [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Compare that to an earlier released video from comedian Ali: [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=711309765631381&set=vb.191973834231646&type=3&theater"][/fbvideo] This video is a repost - the original video predates Zaid Ali T’s video. In Zaid’s version, he gives no credit to the original creator of the skit. Here is another video where Zaid pokes fun at how ‘white people’ take photos as compared to Pukhtuns. The plagiarism here is shocking. Zaid’s version: [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2cm7cw_taking-photos-white-people-vs-pathans-by-zaidalit_fun[/embed] The original version posted from a year back by YouTube user gucciaka2pac can be accessed here. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Photo: Screenshot[/caption] Alarmed, I posted several comments on Zaid’s videos regarding this, but they mysteriously disappeared. Similarly, others who questioned Zaid’s ethics also saw their comments wiped away. I messaged Zaid several times, but my queries were ignored. Here, I contacted a comedian, who has worked extremely hard to follow his dreams. He worked difficult odd jobs in Pakistan, until his YouTube videos went viral, eventually earning him a successful comedy gig in Dubai. From this comedian, who is in touch with various entertainers, I shockingly learnt that Zaid has been stealing content from various sources whose complaints were met by deaf ears. A number of sources informed me that the comedians who go by the name of Maansals on Facebook were Zaid’s favourite hunting ground for ideas. Upon contacting Maansals, I was told that he had unapologetically stolen from many of their videos. A little research showed that some of Zaid’s greatest hits had been ‘inspired’ by Maansals. Here is Zaid’s joke about his friend receiving a call from his dad, while the two are enjoying music: [embed width="620"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2dq7qy_when-your-friends-dad-calls-zaid-ali-videos_fun[/embed] It was lifted from this Maansal’s video that had appeared a year earlier: [fbvideo link="https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=728346843849649"][/fbvideo] What’s more, Zaid’s videos about people you find in Ramazan, how people behave during exams, are also remarkably similar to Maansals’ content. Another victim of Zaid is Pakistani comedy group Bekaar Vines, whose videos have been steadily going viral. When I contacted Mubeenul Haq on Facebook, who is instantly recognisable in Bekaar Vines for his magnificent moustache, Mubeen was amused,

“Ha ha! He (Zaid) is (the) biggest cheater.”

Pope Francis is a man to be admired. Since taking the Papacy in March 2013 and shedding the traditional gold, the Argentinian pope has won hearts across the globe with his wisdom, humbleness and what seems to be an earnest attempt to create a better understanding between cultures and religions.    As the face of the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has often released prudent statements after controversial events that, at the very least, are received with quiet acceptance. Such is the pragmatic nature of Pope Francis that one can imagine that even those chastised by him take a moment to uncomfortably stare at their shoes as they lower their heads with feelings of guilt. The recent al Qaeda attack at Charlie Hebdo in France has certainly sparked a debate on the subject of freedom of expression. Here too, the good Pope has weighed in. Although the Vatican has clarified that nothing justifies the attacks, Pope Francis has stated that there should be boundaries on the freedom of speech,

“There is a limit. Every religion has its dignity. In freedom of expression there are limits.”

“If my good friend Doctor Gasparri (who organises the Pope’s trips) speaks badly of my mother, he can expect to get punched,” he said, throwing a pretend punch at the doctor, who was standing beside him. “You cannot provoke. You cannot insult the faith of others. You cannot make fun of the faith of others. There is a limit.”

It was the year 2000 and I was a young man studying in Canada. Having spent a majority of my life in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, for a change, I was enjoying the atmosphere of a country where people weren’t treated with disdain simply because of their nationality. Alas, even in Canada, it was difficult to escape Saudi mentality. I was socialising with a group of Middle Eastern students at a food court where we were all getting to know each other. When asked, I told them I was a Pakistani who had grown up in Saudi Arabia. While the other students nodded, a student from Saudi Arabia who wore an Armani sports jacket which was two sizes too small wrinkled his nose and snorted loudly. His eyes narrowed at me as if he were examining an insect that had once eaten from his picnic basket. What followed was a racist joke in Arabic which I understood but am unable to repeat for it can’t be published. I still remember clearly that one of his buddies laughed so hard a bit of chicken he had been gobbling flew out of his mouth and landed on his chest as if he was part of some strange fetish film. On the other hand, students from Egypt, UAE, and Yemen could only glare at them. All of my life I have experienced varying levels of racism in Saudi Arabia. It would begin from the moment one would enter the airport and wait for two hours for five incompetent men to struggle over a single Pakistani passport, and it would continue in daily life. While I did not have issues with every Saudi I met – many were kind-hearted people – some undoubtedly looked at South Asians as inferior beings who deserved little better than animals. To survive in Saudi Arabia as an expatriate required following a simple unwritten rule: Keep your interaction with the locals at a minimal level, and don’t complain, especially in public settings. Following these rules resulted in a reasonable life in the country. Unshackled by this rule in Canada, I let the Saudi student have a piece of my mind, though his sneer revealed that he was absorbing little. Recently, a video of a Burmese woman named Layla bint Abdul Mutaleb Bassim being beheaded in Saudi Arabia took the internet by storm. The woman was sentenced for reportedly sodomising her seven-year-old stepdaughter with a ‘broomstick’ and ultimately beating her to death. In the chilling video, the woman can be heard screaming her innocence to the very end, and shouting that she will never forgive her executors for slaughtering her. Her protests are finally cut off mid-sentence in a frightening gasp for breath as her throat is slashed. Because the cut wasn’t clean, her executioner paused before hacking at her neck again. And then moments later… again. To make matters worse, she wasn’t provided painkillers. The authorities wanted her to taste a more painful death. The details of this case are murky, but certain issues stand out even if one ignores the dodgy nature of speedy Saudi justice. For one, it is rare for a woman to commit a sexual crime of this nature, and it is more likely that the poor girl died from rape because was she too young to handle intercourse from her actual assailant. Another point to consider is that guilty people on the final road to their maker typically confess their crimes in hope for leniency in the afterlife. Of course, none of these factors are a guarantee of her innocence, but my opinion is shaped by own experiences of Saudi Arabia. In the Kingdom, whispers of Saudi sexual deviancy were a constant norm where targets in the repressed society typically were young boys from South Asia as well as workers from the Philippines. Perhaps this is because these nationals were considered inferior races and hence justifiable prey. As a youngster, the general idea was to only travel with friends, especially at night. Sadly, that was never a guarantee against harassment. While cycling with my friend in my neighbourhood as a boy, we were approached by a large Saudi man in his car. He tried to charm us into going to his home with him. At first he bribed us with chocolate. Later it was money. When we refused, he followed us until we reached my parents’ home. This wasn’t a deterrent for him either, and only my angry mother drove him away. We saw him target other boys as well, and he only left the hunting ground after complaints finally reached the patrolling policemen. In other incidents, while returning home from cricket matches on foot, groups of friends were sometimes stalked by Saudi men in SUVs. While life was significantly safer than in Pakistan, warding off unwanted aggressive romantic advances from male suitors is an element quite native to Saudi Arabia. I carry enough grim tales to fill a book, but one of the most harrowing ones is of a Pakistani boy who was nabbed by several Saudi men while playing outside. He was our family friend. Here, they beat him in their car as they drove him far away from his home. Soon, he was on the dessert highway in the black of the night. After another punch, he finally lost consciousness. When he regained consciousness, the car was taking a turn from the road and on to the dessert. Frightened, he pretended he was still knocked out, keeping one eye half-open. The car drove into the dessert and towards a small cabin, no doubt used by the men for reasons I can only speculate. As fortune would have it, all of his kidnappers stepped out of the car and walked towards their hut, leaving what they thought was an unconscious prey alone in the vehicle. Perhaps they had let their guard down because they were in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps a higher power was with the boy. After the boy was sure he was alone, he quiet slipped out of the car and ran into the night. At first he went quietly, and in a zigzag pattern, but eventually he ran as fast as he could. Finally, he made it to another portion of the highway and desperately waved at the first vehicle he saw. Luck was still with him, as the driver of this truck was a Pakistani national who was carrying goods to another city. Hearing his story, the driver said he could hitch a ride with him in the same direction, but the crying boy pleaded to be taken back home to his mother. Heartbroken, the truck driver agreed, even though he knew he’d be in trouble with his superiors who held his passport. When the boy was safely returned to his crying mother, the driver made sure he was okay before scrambling away not to be seen again. If this story is disturbing consider that this boy was relatively lucky as compared to those who have suffered more greatly. A Pilipino hairdresser told me of her sister who suffered sexual abuse from her Saudi employers while working in the Kingdom. Her sexually depraved employers were men in their 70s. She also told me that workers are regularly made scapegoats for crimes such as robberies and rape. A quick Google Search reveals documented reports of maids and nurses from Philippines, Burma, India, Sri Lanka, Ethiopia, suffering from rape and sexual abuse in Saudi Arabia. What’s more they work like slaves and are often deprived of their incomes. The Guardian reports that of the 1.5 million foreign maids working in Saudi Arabia, many face mistreatment,

“Some domestic workers find kind employers who treat them well, but others face intense exploitation and abuse, ranging from months of hard work without pay to physical violence to slavery-like conditions.”

“Beaten, burnt and sexually assaulted, they turn up in their dozens each year at their embassies in Riyadh, Kuwait City and Abu Dhabi to plead for sanctuary from their tormentors and a free passage home. One Arab Gulf state had to charter airliners to take home Indian and Filipina maids after they complained of rape and beatings by their employers.”

“Four other women – Tuti Tursilawati binti Warjuki, Darmawati binti Taryani, Siti Aminah and Siti Zaenab – are also on death row. Tursilawati, 27, claims she killed her employer when he tried to rape her in 2010 after months of sexual abuse. Zaenab was also convicted of killing her employer, while Aminah and Taryani were sentenced to death for the murder of another migrant worker.”

“Foreign nationals with little or no knowledge of Arabic - the language of pre-trial interrogation and trial hearings are often denied adequate interpretation facilities.”

For the third time, I check my voice recorder to make sure the device is in operational order.   Yes, it is fine. Of course it is fine. I wipe away my sweaty palms on the fabric of my jeans and allow myself a few deep breaths. This will be the biggest interview I’ve ever conducted. I am sitting in a small conference room at the Pakistan cricket team hotel in Brisbane, Australia, waiting for captain Misbahul Haq, coach Waqar Younis, and chief selector Moin Khan. Determined to put my admiration for these three individuals aside, I try to focus. After all, a cricket mad nation is hungry for answers. Just when my eyes dart at my wrist watch again, the door opens. As my eyes take in the three men entering the room, a smile forms on my face face in spite of myself. Waqar enters first, wearing shorts, a cornered tigers t-shirt, and a polite smile. Behind him is a weary looking Misbah dressed in a similarly casual fashion. Moin completes the trio, but unlike the other two, is wearing a sharp looking grey coloured suit. As the three take their seats across from me, I try not to stare at the dark circles under Moin’s concerned eyes. His hand nervously shifts in his pocket and I can hear a curious jingle of what sounds like several small pieces of plastic. After we exchange pleasantries, I explain that I’d like to record the interview for my notes. None of them seem to mind. My first bouncer is directed at the captain,

“Mr Misbahul Haq, Pakistan was beaten by India, and then completely outplayed by the West Indies. Why is the team finding it so difficult to compete?” “Well, you gotta understand that the boys are still adjusting to the conditions here. The ball is bouncing a lot and the extra swing is not easy. We aren’t used to it. We are trying our best and God willing we shall improve. In both games, we were batting second and even South Africa lost badly to India chasing. Not that it is an excuse.” “But you won the toss and elected to field against the West Indies?” “Yeah, just the plan didn’t click. We are working really hard. Hope to turn things around.”

“Mr Khan…”

“Sir, the question on every fan’s mind has to do with the selection of Younus Khan. Clearly, he is not performing, and he has a poor track record in ODI cricket. On what basis was he selected, and why is he still in the playing 11 ahead of Sarfaraz Ahmed?”

“Well, he is a really experienced player and you cannot ignore such experience. And he has scored many centuries recently. He was an automatic selection.” “Yes, he scored heavily in the Test matches and scored a 100 in the UAE, but you must admit that overall, his recent limited overs record is poor. His batting average is barely over 30, and over the last few years he has scored on average just over 20 runs a match. If you take away that UAE century he scored, his record is even worse. Yet he’s an automatic selection?”

“Listen, he’s a really nice guy and he is a very honest and experienced cricketer. Did I mention his mental strength?”

“OK fine. I am leaving anyway. Look, just off-the-record, let me tell you something. Younus Khan… he’s…he’s…well he’s a little unsta-” “Hey guys! What’s happening?”

“I was going out to the petting zoo when I heard my name. Decided I would join (the) interview.”

“Glad you could join us, Younus!” “My pleasure!”

“Younus Khan, can Pakistan still win the World Cup? Can you help us lift the trophy?” “Yes of, course. I think I will perform really good and inshaa’allah shall win the World Cup for Pakistan. It will be tight game but we will win at Lords!” “Uhh...Lords? But isn’t Lords in England? We are in Australia?” “Yes I am talking about 2019 World Cup. You seriously asking if we have chance in this World Cup?” “Uhh…Okay. But Younus, the World Cup in England is four years away. And you are 37, right?”

“Yes. Who says this is my last World Cup?”

“Sach batao. Did any of these guys say it was my last World Cup? Was it Moin? Waqar?”

“You know something Mr Interviewer? I am the greatest batsman in this team and one of the best to play for Pakistan.”

“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?” Younus stands screaming.

“Nothing! Nothing!” Misbah protests, “I uh… I said Ban Choke. As in we should ban chokeholds. They are too dangerous, especially when Afridi and Shehzad do kabadi.”

“OK sorry I thought you call me Akmal.”

“You don’t bring paan?” Younus inquires.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry Younus! Are you alright?”

“Yes, don’t worry. My reflexes are not good early in morning. This is why I convince team to bat second against West Indies.”

“Mr Younis, the team doesn’t seem to be bowling with a game plan. You are one of the greatest bowlers to play for Pakistan…”

“Yes, thank you. I don’t know why no one else realises that not only am I a great batsman, but also a great bowler. I should open the bowling.”

“I don’t know why media people don’t realise there is too much pressure on the boys. South Africa lost by a greater margin to India than we did but did any South African fans burn effigies of their players? Did ex-cricketers come on TV and say terrible things? Are their fans hurling abuse, personal insults, and threats on Twitter to official Twitter accounts of South African players? Did you read some of the nasty things our former wicketkeeper Kamran Akmal had to deal with on Twitter?”

“What is so funny, Younus?”

“I’ll tell you secret. It was really me cursing Kamran Akmal using a fake Twitter account.”

“But why Younus? Why would you do that to the poor guy?” wonders Waqar.

“Because, he is a black magician. Like Voldermort. But you can say his name.”

“What?” “Let me explain and then you will learn. In Sydney Test, Kamran Akmal dropped more catches from Danish Kaneria’s bowling than I have fingers.” “Okay.” “But who was removed from team? Yes, Danish Kaneria. While later Kaneria never play for Pakistan again but Kamran continue to play.” “Okay.” “In last World Cup, Kamran dropped catch after catch from Akhtar’s bowling in game against New Zealand. Akhtar so angry he had big fight with Kamran. Which was not fair fight. It was like Tarzan versus Frodo. But who was dropped? Kamran or Akhtar? Akhtar did not play for Pakistan again, but Kamran keep playing. And playing. And playing.” “Alright.” “Finally he dropped but he make sure at least one Akmal always in team wicket keeping. They are clones. And they using the dark magic. During selection, many selectors try to put Kamran back in team for World Cup.”

“Mr Younis… err... Waqar… why is Fawad Alam not in the side? He has an incredible record in the first class circuit and has been one of Pakistan’s leading batsmen over the last year or so.”

“Well, when we had a player of Younus Khan’s caliber in the side, then unfortunately there was no place for Fawad Alam who is no doubt a tremendous talent.”

“It was actually bet. I bet them that they couldn’t drop Fawad Alam and then turn some average player into Fawad Alam. That’s why they select Haris Sohail.” “That doesn’t make any sense.” “Yes it does Mr Interviewer. Think. Fawad Alam left-handed batsman with great record and also bowl a lot in domestic (cricket). Haris Sohail not as good left-handed batsman who hardly bowl in domestic (cricket). Yet they drop proven performer like Fawad Alam, not give him any chance in Abu Dhabi, and replace him with Haris Sohail (and) ask him to start bowling for first time in his life. Why did they do this when they already had Fawad Alam?” “I see.” “Well, either they took my bet seriously or they are incredibly Akmal.”  

“Oh that not ghost. It was only Afridi and Shehzad doing shirtless selfies with camera flash in Haris room. Haris easily scared.”

“Yes, a lot of fun has been poked at Afridi and Shehzad for the shirtless selfies. I don’t know why our nation is so obsessed. We are obsessed with them not wearing shirts. We are obsessed with Roger Federer wearing Indian team's shirts. What’s the problem?”

“Misbah, do you feel victimised?” “I am used to it, though I am trying my best. Shoaib Akhtar calls me selfish but tell me does a selfish man have zero centuries in ODI cricket? If I was selfish, I would come at the top of the order and score many slow centuries for myself.  Akhtar talks a lot but the only good thing he did was when he hit Mohammad Asif with a bat on the bum.” “Misbah, what’s the strategy in the next game?” “Well, against India, we play six batsmen and not succeed. Against West Indies, we play seven batsmen not succeed. So…”

“So, against Zimbabwe, you’ll play an extra bowler and hopefully a specialist wicketkeeper?” “No, are you Akmal’ing me? We play eight batsmen against Zimbabwe. And if we lose to Zimbabwe, then nine batsmen against UAE… if you count Younus as a batsman.”

“Misbah, why do you keep playing more batsmen?”

“Listen, we are a government organisation, yes? What happens in government organisations when they are not performing? They keep adding more and more people but not remove anyone. Just look at PIA.”

“Speaking of PIA, I just realised that I need to get ready for my flight back home and we must end this interview.” “Before we conclude, I have one final question for Misbah. Captain, do you think you and the team can still pull together and win this tournament?”

“Yes, I think before we were having many concerns that were disrupting our cricket. But now that Moin Khan’s casino issue is out in the open, and now that people are aware that our coach’s relative who operates in a completely unrelated occupation, and was working in another geographical location with what might be dodgy educational documents, yes, we are about to finally play to our potential. In the next game, neither Moin Khan’s personal life, nor Waqar’s sibling… whatever his name is… will be on our minds.”

“To everyone wondering why my picture was used for my brother’s story on TV, print and online, well, we look identical. Don’t let the fact that he’s much younger than me confuse you.”

Not satisfied with having had a poor World Cup campaign and an average limited overs cricket record during their reigns, it seems that both coach Waqar Younis and retired ODI captain Misbahul Haq have decided to leave us with a parting gift. This parting gift exemplifies their horribly defensive mindset which has been a major factor in the Pakistan ODI team’s mediocrity. Various reports state that it was the duo that influenced the PCB into naming Azhar Ali as the new ODI captain. It almost seems like a joke where Pakistan cricket is the punch line. https://twitter.com/BajiPlease/status/581796025788018688 Misbah has been a fantastic hand for Pakistan cricket and a knight in shining armour for a struggling team, but he has not been without his flaws. For one, he lacks the ability to rotate the strike when building an innings. This flaw has been less obvious because the skipper has invariably come in during a crisis. However, he has often hurt the momentum after the team has been off to a good start, dragging the run rate down. What’s more, his defensive style has sometimes created needless pressure on the other batsmen, especially when chasing a score. While Misbah is proud of reaching the quarter-finals, let’s be honest, the nature of the tournament certainly played a part in getting us there in spite of Pakistan’s awful performances against India, the West Indies, and Zimbabwe. Perhaps our knockout opponents would have been easier adversaries than the eventual finalists Australia had management not adopted a safety first attitude. In the game against West Indies, seven batsmen (eight, if you count Shahid Afridi) were played. Fawad Alam a leading scorer was ignored, while Younus Khan who has a poor ODI record, and newcomer Haris Sohail, whose limitations were exposed in Australia, were inexplicably selected. Meanwhile, Yasir Shah, possibly the best spinner in the tournament was neglected – except for a game against the world’s best players of spin – while South Africa utilised Imran Tahir. The short term mentality was also exposed when the injury prone Muhammad Irfan, Pakistan’s primary weapon, was not given the rest he deserved against the UAE. Management was so afraid of defeat that the big fast bowler was cut open like the goose that laid golden eggs. To make matters worse, Nasir Jamshed, who was picked by management against the wishes of selectors, was given far too many chances. Certainly, our tournament would have been easier with Sarfraz Ahmed opening the batting early in the World Cup. You can’t say that these mistakes are only obvious after they happened. Like countless others, I had called for Sarfraz to open, Yasir and Fawad to play every game, Younus to be dropped, Irfan to be rested against the UAE match, before management made the mistakes. While these selection issues were clearly the fault of captain and coach, of course, the majority of the blame lies with the Pakistani batsmen, who showed both a lack of skill and temperament for international cricket. At the very least, Misbah, as the batsman, was fighting for the nation in every game, as he always has. But the skipper has taken Pakistan as far as he can within the limitations of his abilities and cautious mind-set. As captain, he rescued a side recovering from dark controversies, and has certainly boasted some fantastic victories in Test cricket. But while his style has kept the ODI cricket team from hitting rock bottom, it is now clear that he can never reach the top of the mountain either. In an age where teams are scoring 350 runs a match, his cautious approach towards batting and team composition are archaic at best. This is exactly why the Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) should have ignored Misbah’s suggestion of selecting Azhar as the new ODI captain. Often, though not always, a captain’s playing style is an extension of their mindset. For example, Imran Khan was both an aggressive all-rounder and an aggressive leader. Similarly, Wasim Akram was an attacking skipper. Javed Miandad was a shrewd batsman, and a wise vice-captain. It is for this reason that Azhar seems like the wrong man to take Pakistan’s ODI team forward. I can see why Misbah has recommended him – it is the same reason he persisted with a defensive player like Asad Shafiq in the ODI team, because he reminds Misbah of himself. Certainly, Azhar seems to have a giant heart and is batsman who does not get dismissed so easily, but he carries the exact same flaws as Misbah, except that they are far worse in Azhar, like a terminal disease. If Misbah has trouble rotating the strike, then Azhar seems completely incapable. In fact, Azhar only operates on first or fourth gear. Whereas Test cricket is a game of more deliberately paced batting, most modern batsmen bat with a strike rate of at least 50. Azhar, on the other hand, bats at 39.56. There are few things as exciting as watching Azhar play a Test innings. Watching paint dry is one of them. Observing the ceiling fan rotate slowly for a few hours is another. Yes, everything we don’t like about Misbah, we really won’t like about Azhar. He is like a bad Misbah impersonator; a Misbah clone with second-hand parts. A Mini-Me of Misbah, if you will. Now is the time to upgrade our operating system, not install a pirated copy of Misbah 2.0. Selecting Azhar is like slapping on a band-aid when the wound has healed. Our broken leg has mended. It’s not time for another crutch; it’s time to learn how to run again. https://twitter.com/Asif_Farooqi/status/581790041887797248 Here, I have come up with a list of candidates who would be better options than Azhar: 1. Wahab Riaz [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="550"] Photo: AFP[/caption] The tears flowing from his eyes showed how much World Cup glory had meant to him. Similar emotions were written on the South African cricketers’ faces after they lost to New Zealand. On the other hand, players such as Younus and Afridi were all grins after crashing out. We need a player who truly loves playing for Pakistan, and Wahab seems like the man. The fact that he’s an aggressive bowler would also be a welcome change in leadership. 2. Sarfraz Ahmed [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="550"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] He seems like a natural choice, having captained Pakistan to U19 glory. Sarfaraz is an attacking player who has the mental toughness for the job. In fact, this choice seems almost too natural for the PCB, and we know how easily they miss a target when it is staring straight at them. 3. Fawad Alam [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="550"] Photo: AFP[/caption] He is perhaps the best limited overs batsman in Pakistan and has loads of experience captaining at domestic level. My only concern is the state of his mental wellbeing. Fawad is the Cinderella of Pakistan cricket; stuck in the attic while his ugly stepsisters enjoy the limelight. He’ll need to be groomed if he is made skipper. And by groomed, I mean a shave and a haircut. 4. ZaidAliT [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="550"] Photo: ZaidAliT Facebook page[/caption] This young Pakistan comedian may steal some of his jokes, but at least he has the common sense to steal the good ones. On the other hand, Azhar looks to have borrowed only Misbah’s shortcomings. 5. Ayyan Ali [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="550"] Photo: Lahoripoint.com[/caption] Look, she may not be very bright, but she has made some dangerous friends and tried something quite daring, illegal as it was. Although it may seem physically impossible, she certainly seems to have greater testicular fortitude than some Pakistani cricketers.

Facebook’s internet.org is a well-meaning initiative held back by some crippling flaws. The portal is currently usable only via the Telenor network, and allows free access to a very small number of websites. These are websites such as AccuWeather, Facebook, BBC News, Bing, ESPNCricinfo, OLX, Wikipedia, and more, including health related websites, one of which provides information on pregnancy and child care. Sadly, though not surprisingly, YouTube isn’t on the list. Naughty Goat video fans have also been left in the cold.    At first glance, there are some immediate concerns regarding net neutrality. For the uninitiated, net neutrality is a principle that has been hotly debated and protested (in favour of) across Europe and North America. In a nutshell, net neutrality is a belief in internet traffic equality, where the powers that be must not interfere with how internet is delivered to the consumer. As Columbia Law Professor Tim Wu says,

“Network neutrality is best defined as a network design principle. The idea is that a maximally useful public information network aspires to treat all content, sites, and platforms equally. This allows the network to carry every form of information and support every kind of application.”

“Saying that having some internet access is better than having no access is like saying slavery is better than unemployment.”

“Over the past week in India, there has been a lot written about internet.org and net neutrality. I’d like to share my position on these topics here for everyone to see. First, I’ll share a quick story. Last year I visited Chandauli, a small village in northern India that had just been connected to the internet. In a classroom in the village, I had the chance to talk to a group of students who were learning to use the internet. It was an incredible experience to think that right there in that room might be a student with a big idea that could change the world — and now they could actually make that happen through the internet. The internet is one of the most powerful tools for economic and social progress. It gives people access to jobs, knowledge and opportunities. It gives voice to the voiceless in our society, and it connects people with vital resources for health and education. I believe everyone in the world deserves access to these opportunities. In many countries, however, there are big social and economic obstacles to connectivity. The internet isn’t affordable to everyone, and in many places awareness of its value remains low. Women and the poor are most likely to be excluded and further disempowered by lack of connectivity.”

“In addition to providing an information service, the e-Choupal system gives farmers the opportunity to sell their produce directly to the Indian Tobacco Company at previous day’s closing price, thus, getting rid of the need for a middleman. It also offers seed, fertiliser and other resources for farming at lower prices than the traders. The system has resulted in savings of more than US$1million and productivity gains of up to 40%.”

“A few years ago, an extremist in Pakistan fought to have me sentenced to death because Facebook refused to ban content about Mohammed that offended him.”

It happens like clockwork whenever Bilawal Bhutto Zardari makes the news on social media. Invariably, the top Facebook/Twitter comment on any story regarding BBZ is a joke about his supposedly effeminate demeanour. Those who wouldn’t mock someone for other variations in physical characteristics such as skin colour, height, and weight, also join in. It’s an issue with many cultures, but it rears its ugly head often in one as throbbingly pseudo masculine as ours. The jests aren’t only limited to top Facebook comments; Pakistani creators of internet comics often find BBZ’s mannerisms an easy source of entertainment for their easily amused readers. These comics are shared and re-shared countless times, only to be followed by a contradictory comic preaching tolerance and respect for the delicious variety in God’s creations. It is as if the message is to respect everyone, except those who don’t wear their manliness on their sleeves. For them, our hatred rises from deeper murkier waters. It is personal hatred, a symptom of our own demons. I am not fond of the Pakistan Peoples Party. Their five years of governance are an easily forgettable period for Pakistan. I am also not quite convinced if BBZ is his party’s saviour. I had hoped he would prove to be a revolutionary young politician polished by his time at Oxford University, but his mantra heavy speeches revealed how most of his education was spent memorising tired party jargons. Yet, I strongly feel that while we have every right to criticise a politician for their mistakes, physical features aren’t fair game. I am sure everyone would agree. But strangely, while we are somewhat more respectful of other uncommon characteristics, those who don’t satisfy our traditional definition of manliness are considered fair game for mockery. So here I am, about to defend the chairman of a political party I dislike. I am like Johnnie Cochran defending OJ Simpson, except I am not defending OJ for a homicide; I am defending him for being black. More than that, I am here to do some soul searching, to dive deep into these treacherous waters which give rise to such feelings. Unfortunately, our nation has a masculinity problem, and it begins with our upbringing. For many of us, the mask comes on early; the seeds of masculinity sown in childhood. As children, we boys are taught not to cry. To varying degrees depending on the environment, this is reinforced regularly through our schooling years until it is ingrained deep within our psyche. We are trained to be unyielding, competitive, and tough. Crying is for girls, we are told. Feelings and emotions are for women. Rather than getting trained to ride the dragon, we are told to lock the creature up in a cold dark room. Meanwhile, it grows silently, sometimes seething with fury. Growing up, I loved reading, writing, drawing, and for a few months sewing clothes for my action figures (they were ninja outfits). I was often criticised by authority figures for not playing more sports, or proving my masculinity by climbing trees. Today I still can’t climb a tree (probably because I am not an elf); though if you are a ninja in need of a suit, do drop me an email for rates. For children whose upbringing is relentlessly masculine, emotions are left suppressed, hidden behind a grim mask of masculinity. Whenever the going gets tough, the mask comes on, leaving the increasingly fragile soul unseen behind the seemingly tough exterior. Certainly, Pakistan isn’t alone in its masculine culture, yet our progress is slow. Andy Murray won hearts worldwide after breaking into tears when he lost his first Wimbledon finale. Meanwhile, Wahab Riaz, who after proving his manhood by nearly depriving Shane Watson of his own several times, became the target of a mean spirited internet meme when he shed tears at the end of the game. We should encourage men like Wahab Riaz, a real man who wears his heart on his sleeve and gives it his all for his nation. Clearly expressing emotions is considered to be the opposite of what a man does. A large number of our children grow up observing a physical distance between their parents; displays of affection are discouraged. It is reported that the lioness of Karachi, Sabeen Mahmud, was assassinated because she favoured Valentine’s Day. Are we so threatened by love? When we pick on BBZ for what we have been conditioned to believe are less masculine traits, we don’t hate on him, but rather, we hate on ourselves. Every time we laugh at a BBZ joke, in our hearts is a critical authority figure who encouraged us in our development phase to be the alpha male. Some equate such displays of pseudo-masculinity with mental toughness, but mental toughness is sometimes nothing but a mask, hiding unresolved emotions. Such unresolved emotions can result in varying levels of social misbehaviour, including bottled up anger. Those who wear the mask tightly may find it leads to professional success, but when they come home at night, they often find themselves alone, even when surrounded by people. People who cannot fake love such as a spouse or a child don’t form real relationships with the ones who wear the heaviest of masks. In essence, the mask is a ticking time bomb. The prize? Our soul. When we encourage our children to wear masks, we deprive them of an important life skill; processing emotions in a healthy manner. If you are lucky, you may keep the mask on your whole life with little incident, but the longer you wear it, the more difficult it becomes to take off. For men who wear masks and have sons and daughters, I encourage you to give your wife a tight hug and a big kiss (on the cheek) in front of your children every evening. For your growing daughters it will be a lesson in how to a pick a man when she is older. A man who respects her, treats her as an equal, and is not so frightened by his emotions that she doesn’t feel loved. For your sons, it may be a lesson in how to treat someone else’s daughter, to value all life, and to not be afraid of those different from him. PLEASE NOTE: The Express Tribune’s Blogs Desk reserves the right to change, select and/or edit the title of posts submitted to The Express Tribune’s Blogs Page.

Three years ago, I wrote a blog praising K-Electric’s improving standards, and in general, the blog was received well by Karachiites. Clearly, many of us were in agreement about the power company’s progress as a service provider. Rolling blackouts in areas where customers were paying bills regularly were less frequent than before. At the same time, the company formerly known as KESC had adopted social media to allow more avenues of communication. There was also a marked improvement in customer service and a faster reaction time from the repair teams. At the time, I expected this to only be the beginning of K-Electric’s upward trajectory. As it turns out, this was the beginning and the end. Over the last year or so, my experience has been frustratingly poor, mostly due to K-Electric’s bad work ethic. Now, in the midst of a crisis, K-Electric has been caught with its pants down. Karachi is experiencing one of its worst heat waves in recent memory. It is so hot that I imagine Satan packed his bags and left our port city a few days ago to vacation in the cooler temperatures of hell. It is so hot that fashion mogul Mugatu from Zoolander is probably talking up our city right this moment. Reportedly, hundreds have died in Karachi, and there seems to be no respite in sight. In the face of rising temperatures, increased demands of electricity have certainly been a greater challenge for K-Electric. Unsurprisingly, the power company has proven to be completely unprepared. On the Facebook page ‘Halaat Updates’, countless are bemoaning the loss of power in their homes. Some have suffered for days. Others like me have faced enormous losses due to fluctuating voltages. There are numerous reports of damaged appliances that the hardworking middle class people of Karachi will struggle to replace. Is it unreasonable to expect K-Electric to compensate its customers in the face of such extraordinary circumstances? Perhaps so, but for a moment, consider K-Electric’s macho campaign against defaulters and those who are stealing electricity. I fully support Operation Burq. Anyone who wrongs K-Electric deserves to face judgment, but what about the scores of people who have suffered financial losses due to K-Electric itself? Where is our Operation Burq? As far as I am concerned, K-Electric needs to replace my two air-conditioners and other electric appliances. In any other country, the company would have faced an expensive class action lawsuit. Here, it is just another day of the week. K-Electric has been boasting massive profits year after year. Recently, The Express Tribune reported of K-Electric’s record profit of Rs3 billion at an increase of 83%. This was also due to falling energy prices, but why aren’t we seeing any improvements? Since my blog three years ago, infrastructure continues to be fragile. A friend of mine, a talented former journalist named Hani Yousuf posted about her personal experience where she and her elderly grandparents faced frustration after being without power for three and a half days. Yes, in this heat. Ultimately, she wrote an email to the suits at K-Electric who immediately responded by addressing her issue swiftly. Stressing the positives of the experience, Hani says she was impressed by the courteous response to her email. Read Hani Yousuf’s full blog here.  While I am glad her difficulties were addressed, it is unacceptable that she exhausted every mode of communication for three and a half days without resolution. Are we resigned to find the K-Electric executives on social media to resolve our concerns? It would be easier to forgive K-Electric had the issues been isolated to the heat wave. The company has been notoriously slow to respond to complaints over the last few years. My own residence suffers from voltage fluctuations due to weak wiring in the neighbourhood which is yet to be replaced. Six months ago, I was lucky to suffer from only the loss of a microwave, but others weren’t so lucky. One elderly pensioner a few houses away told me of how his items valued in the hundreds of thousands were destroyed. Items he had purchased over the course of years. Luckily, I have a digital meter installed to check voltages. At the time of the incident, our voltage had risen to over 400V (normal voltage should be no higher than 240V). Realising the gravity of the situation, I ran around the block to inform as many neighbours as I could. On another occasion, the wires outside my house leading up to the electricity meter took up in flames. Alarmed, I called K-Electric, and registered complaints on their social media pages. Despite assurances, not one employee came to resolve the issue over the course of a week. Finally, I found an electrician willing to repair K-Electric’s own wires. Every time I wrote to the company I received hollow reassurances, and am quite sure that the man behind the K-Electric computer screens looked like this: ¯\(°_°)/¯ So once again, K-Electric, I ask you. Where is our Operation Burq? Where is our justice?

As Younus Khan (171*) and Shan Masood (125) nonchalantly battled their way to an unexpected 242 run partnership during Pakistan’s record chase, two thoughts kept floating into my head, ‘nothing compares to the compelling nature of good test match cricket’, and ‘no team is as predictably unpredictable as Pakistan’. After being set a target of 377 in the deciding Test match by Sri Lanka, few would have expected Pakistan to chase the mammoth score down, least of all because our batsmen had collapsed to 215 in the first innings. Yet, the great Pakistani Test match batsmen, Younus, had other ideas. After being relatively quiet throughout the series, he played a masterful innings. It was vintage Khan. Composed and cool, he took on the challenge in an exemplary fashion, supported well by Masood, who after an uneven start to the innings showed steely determination. As a result, Pakistan had a record-breaking win, and has now jumped to third in the ICC rankings. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="600"] Younis Khan. Photo: AFP[/caption] From Younus’ statements later, it seems the plan was for him and Misbahul Haq to absorb the pressure so that the youngsters didn’t have to,

“This is a very good bunch of players. Misbah and I keep them calm, they play well under pressure.”

“The key factor in the game was to keep calm. We have lost a couple of Tests in Sri Lanka last time when he panicked. We just wanted to bat calmly this time.”

I am not proud of my inability to read and write Urdu well. Growing up overseas, I did not have the opportunity to study the tongue, and English became my first language. As a result, it takes me far longer to read Urdu words than it should. This is not a good thing, and when I speak in Urdu, which I do well, I try to use as many Urdu words in my speech as possible, hard as it can be with English having infiltrated the language tongue so heavily. Surprisingly, when I moved to Pakistan later in my life, I realised that many who had grown up in the country, educated in their own schools, couldn’t speak Urdu without heavily resorting to English words. If you think about it, it is actually very difficult to do. It is also not limited to ‘burger’ classes. Speak with most in the country in Urdu and you’ll notice that 10 per cent of their speech consists of words from the English language, words which have perfectly good replacements in Urdu. Whenever my uncle visits from overseas, we try a game. As he also enjoys speaking in Urdu, we try to have a conversation purely in the language, without a single use of an English word. It is extremely difficult. I want you, the reader, to give it a try with someone. The same conversations can take significantly longer as you struggle to find the right words in the Urdu vocabulary. Although when it works well, you end up sounding like PTV’s khabarnama. Urdu’s corruption is an issue with our mind-set. We judge the language, and we judge those who speak it. An example is Saeed Ajmal, whose courageous attempts to speak English were mocked across social media. Then there is Meera, who is consistently set up by Pakistani celebrities to fail in English interviews. The poor actress is regularly targeted by her peers so that they can have a good laugh. I’ve spoken to these celebrities and perhaps they don’t realise how poor their English is. For some reason, we shame those who can’t speak in a foreign language, yet find it perfectly acceptable to struggle with Urdu. I still remember listening to Imran Khan’s speech, where he tried to shame Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif for being unable to speak English fluently. This was startling, as Imran was addressing the working classes in the crowd, most of who were unlikely to speak English as well either. When I would visit Pakistan as a child, I clearly remember that there was still some respect for Urdu. Adverts in Urdu were written in Urdu, while adverts in English would be written in English. Today, it is difficult to find a sign or an advertisement written in Urdu at all. And when it is, it is written in English, which is simply shocking. Yes, it seems the language is dying a slow death when the giant companies in the nation choose to write Urdu in English alphabets. This is why I appreciate the Pakistan government’s decision to push Urdu to the forefront again. Reportedly, the government plans to deliver speeches at home and overseas in Urdu, and to publish official documents and the like in Urdu as well. There are so many nations which pay respect to their national language across the world, even on international platforms, so I don’t see why Pakistan cannot either.

Author’s note: We do not condone any violence. This blog was for entertainment purposes only. In reality, we hope the United States extradites Dr Palmer to Zimbabwe where he can be tried on bribery charges. As news reports of the cruel and savage murder of Cecil spread across the internet like wildfire, my feelings of sadness were slowly replaced by disbelief. I couldn’t fathom how this noble (and apparently friendly) lion could be so remorselessly slain in a torturous ‘hunt’ which lasted several days. I say ‘hunt’ because Cecil was said to be so comfortable with human beings, that hunting him was like shooting an unsuspecting animal at the zoo. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="597"] Cecil's cubs. Photo: Thomas Mukoya/Reuters[/caption] The details are blood curling. At first, Cecil was lured out of the protected National Park in Zimbabwe with some bait, and then shot with an arrow. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="595"] Photo: Screenshot (Youtube)[/caption] Yes, an arrow. And it did not kill him. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="596"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] The incompetent hunter who bribed two locals at least $50,000 could not even minimise Cecil’s pain. For 40 hours, the injured Cecil evaded the hunter, all the while bleeding. Eventually he was found, and decapitated, his head a trophy for a miserable excuse of a man, a man certainly worse than a beast, for most beasts hunt merely for food. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="598"] Cecil was a popular attraction among visitors to the Hwange National Park. Photo: AFP[/caption] This man, as it turns out, is Dr Walter Palmer, an American dentist from Minnesota. It is difficult to say why Cecil’s death has earned the fury of people worldwide. After all, appalling reports of poaching have gone viral across social media for years. Meanwhile, our meat industry is both remorseless and corrupt. Humanity has now overgrown to such proportions that our planet is losing its forests, its jungles, and its wild animals. To sustain our bloat, domesticated beasts are raised in cost effective environments. Emotionally intelligent animals such as cows, goats and pigs are driven mad in disgusting conditions, living out unnatural lives in tiny spaces, and bred only for mankind’s hunger for inexpensive meat. Perhaps Cecil’s murder was the tipping point. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="596"] Photo: Reuters[/caption] We are used to man being cruel to man, but do we not have a bigger responsibility towards animals? If we can’t take care of our own species, can we at least not harm other beings? [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="597"] Cecil and one of the lionesses in the Linkwasha Camp. Photo: Brent Stapelkamp[/caption] Dr Palmer has gone into hiding after experiencing unimaginable fury. Those mourning Cecil are demanding he be punished. He says that he thought he was doing everything by the book. Yes, he allegedly paid enormous bribes because he thought his act was legal. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="596"] Photo: Ben Curtis/AP[/caption] This is not Dr Palmer’s first indiscretion. According to heavy.com, the dentist has a history of killing wild animals. [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="596"] Endangered: Palmer shows off his kill, a Nevada Bighorn sheep, on a hunting trip. The species is under threat.
Photo: Trophy Hunt America[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="306"] Bare-chested Walter Palmer with a 175lb leopard he killed in Zimbabwe.
Photo: Trophy Hunt America[/caption] [caption id="" align="alignnone" width="602"] Palmer poses here with a dead elk, another of the trophy kills he has celebrated during his time hunting.
Photo: Trophy Hunt America[/caption] In 2008, he faced legal trouble after being investigated for illegally hunting a bear. Around this time, he also faced an accusation of sexual harassment by a woman who claimed that,

“She was subjected to ongoing and unwelcome sexual harassment by (Palmer) including, but not limited to, verbal comments and physical conduct involving her breasts, buttocks, and genitalia.”

For anyone who has an ounce of respect for other beings, the 39-second video, which has gone viral in Pakistan, is difficult to watch.  In the said video, while on a crowded street at night, a vile young man drabbed in Pakistani national colours, evidently celebrating August 14^th, sexually harasses a burqa clad woman. As his friend watches with a devilish grin wide enough to let an airplane in, he attacks a lady sitting on a bike by grabbing her from behind, gyrating against her, and then continuing the abuse for a several more uncomfortable seconds. I am not sure how this video found its way to the internet, but it is safe to assume that this was only one of the many attacks from these miscreants during that night. [embed width="620" height="348"]http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x323xtv[/embed] The video reminds me of a regular topic on the popular Facebook page ‘Halaat Updates’, where women often ask others how to protect themselves from sexual harassment. Some of the men who reply – the geniuses that they are – claim that only a hijab can protect the women of the nation from unwanted advances. Well, this woman was in a hijab, wasn’t she? Perhaps, instead of encouraging women to create restrictive shields around themselves, we should encourage our men to give the opposite sex the respect they deserve. Here is a reminder for all men: If she is in a hijab, you do not have a right to touch her against her will. If she is wearing a dupatta and shalwar kameez, you do not have a right to touch her against her will. If she is in a skirt, you do not have a right to touch her against her will. If she is in a bikini, you do not have a right to touch her against her will. If she is naked, you do not have a right to touch her against her will. A woman is never asking for it, unless she specifically is. One must also wonder why when a man is raped, no one blames it on his choice of clothing. Pakistan has a widespread sexual harassment problem, and it isn’t because of women’s choice in clothing, rather, it is due to our mind-sets. While working on an article on the subject, I reached out to people on the internet, as well as to friends for their experiences with sexual harassment. Within a month’s time, my inbox was flooded by first-hand stories from women with traumatic stories. Startlingly, these were incidents reported by women working at banks, hospitals, TV channels, and other respected institutions. Their harassers were bankers, professors, doctors, and more. In my mind, the worst aspect of the Arab culture we adopted was the hijab. It may have served its purpose initially, but it has been stifling our evolution as a society for some time now. The hijab as a very concept means a woman must smother her identity because the onus is on her to save herself from harassment. I agree with the many Islamic scholars, such as respected Saudi cleric Ahmed bin Qassim al Ghamidi, who argues that the hijab is not an Islamic compulsion, but rather, it is a part of the Arab culture which has been confused with Islam. The cleric says that instead of blaming women, we should blame men for not lowering their gaze. Similarly, other prominent clerics have also claimed that both the hijab and the veil are not Islamic duties. The only part of the body specifically mentioned to cover is the chest. As for men involved in this incident, I hope they are caught and made an example of. True justice would see them sent to jail with cellmates interested in teaching them a thing or two. After this blog was published, we received an update on the matter as followed: